Getting Better?

Last week I went to my chiropractor, and today I went to my pain doctor.  Both mentioned that I was doing much better than when they first saw me a couple of years ago.  So I must be looking better than I have in a while. I do believe I am doing better, but not because I have been cured of any of the multiple problems that cause my pain, I believe its because I have accepted the fact that I am a chronic pain sufferer and that I cannot be fixed.  With that acceptance, a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I have been able to mentally give up on my professional and academic careers. I know now that my main job is to constantly monitor my body for signs of pain, because even the minutest amount of pain can lead to a widespread pain attack if it's not dealt with immediately.  So to manage my pain day in and day out I:

• Take my medications regularly.
• Supplement with narcotics at the first sign of pain to prevent it from escalating.
• Go to the chiropractor regularly for my neck and back issues.
• Go to the pain management doctor regularly for evaluation and cortisone injections as needed.
• Try not to eat foods that will cause digestion issues because that too will set off a widespread pain attack.
• Try to get a good nights worth of restorative sleep. 

So am I getting better? From a pain and physical perspective, maybe a little. From a pain management perspective, yes, definitely.  From a joyful, fulfilling life perspective, it's starting to look better. I attribute my improving quality of life to the following:

• I have overcome my fear of pain.  For the most part, I know when it's coming and I treat it both proactively and acutely (as needed).  
• Now that my fear is down, I'm starting to regain some joy in my life and I'm going back to church.  
• I'm attempting to re-establish my relationship with God and trying to understand or learn from Him what plan he has for my life instead of going after what I thought I was supposed to do with my life.
• I've also greatly reduced my locus of control (the amount of control one feels they have over their life). I accept that I can only control a few things in my life, so now I can let the rest go and give those things up to God.  My husband has a saying "Worry is worthless, Prayer is priceless".  So I try to give up worrying and pray each day that God guide me through all circumstances and give me patience to prevail. 
• I'm starting to feel like maybe, in some small way, I can start to think about how I can make a positive contribution to the society without putting myself into a situation that will cause pain.  I have a feeling that my opportunities will be few, but at least I'm starting to think about it and will ask for God's guidance as I continue to look for these opportunities.
• Lastly, but most importantly, I no longer feel guilty about not working and bringing in more income for my family.  That being said though, I do miss having my brain challenged with work tasks and miss intellectual/business discussions with my co-workers. I also miss helping students to  learn how to better function in their organization for the betterment of themselves, their work teams, and their organization.

For those who have provided me with support and have been here for me during the past couple of years, I am eternally grateful.  For those people I have lost because of their lack of understanding or otherwise, I understand and forgive.  Because chronic pain is an invisible disease, it is hard for people to look at me and understand that I'm disabled, can't work, need a handicapped parking place, etc.  It's ok.

When it's all said and done, I hope that I was able to help/counsel other people with chronic pain as well as their families and friends.  I'm just not sure I'm ready to try to tackle that yet or if that is in God's plan for me.

Anyway, for me, life goes on, minute by minute, and I will take each one as it comes and deal with it.