Fibromyalgia and insomnia go hand in hand. Sometimes I can get to sleep right away but most of the time I get back up after a few hours of laying in bed. My body needs the restorative sleep but my mind won't shut up long enough for me to doze off.
Tonight in my insomnia mind frenzy I've been thinking about a good friend that I lost because of my illness. I turned her away when she wanted to help me with natural remedies. I know she meant well but I was in such a heightened state of pain that I didn't want anyone but my doctors to work with me. Hind sight now, I probably should have let her help me anyway.
A year or two before my health situation escalated, my friend was diagnosed and treated for ovarian cancer. It was a very traumatic time for her and a lot of people came to her aid, including me. Slowly she improved and was able to return to work. I never really talked with her though on an emotional level about what she was going through. I guess I couldn't handle it, so I probably wasn't as good a friend to her as I could have been.
As my illness progressed I started missing a lot of work and felt that I was being put into a situation where I needed to leave the company. Instead of being coached on going out on disability I was encouraged to leave. My friend and I had worked together so when I left we didn't get together as much. Then, as I said before, when I turned down her help that ended what little was left of our friendship. After not seeing her for about a year I invited her to dinner thinking we could patch things up, but I guess it was too late and the damage had been done. I think I was too self centered at the time and uncomfortable talking about what she needed. So I didn't hear from her again. I wish I would have been more open minded to her needs.
But I am not alone. A lot of people with invisible illnesses lose their friends because the friends don't understand what we are going through or know what to do. It's hard to empathize or sympathize with someone when you don't see their symptoms. And speaking from experience it's very hard to explain and after awhile nobody wants to hear about it anyway. So there are a lot of isolated, invisible illness people out there.
I feel guilty but I've become envious of people with visible illnesses. Even cancer. Is that sick or what. At least with cancer you have a diagnosis, treatment plan, and prognosis with a hope of recovery. I, on the other hand, am staring down a long road of misery with no hope for improvement. I can't even manage my pain enough to try and live a halfway normal life. I am a prisoner to it.
I no longer can work. I cannot volunteer. Honestly I no longer have the desire to do either. I drag myself out of bed in the morning to get my daughter off to school and walk the dogs. I dread the looming laundry and housework because I know the pain that will take me down half way through those chores. I can no longer cook dinner because pain finds me in that chore as well. Most days I sit in silence waiting for the day to pass. For the most part I have no interest in doing anything. I try to put my happy face on when my daughter and husband come home so I can just get through the night. Is depressing I know, but in every attempt I've made to reinvent myself the pain wins out and I'm done again.
I guess I'm just rambling at this point. After all it's 1:30am and I can't go to sleep.
The main take away here I guess is that I miss my previous life. I miss my friend. I miss being the wife and mother that I used to be. I miss the will to live and strive. I used to plan and work toward a PhD so I could become a full time professor. Now, at the young age of 54, I just wonder how long I'll be here in this world. For some reason earlier tonight I was thinking that I probably wouldn't make it past sixty. We'll see.
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