Improvement, Causes, and Life in General

Improvement
I have had a steady decrease in scalp/head inflamation over the past couple of days.  I guess the steriod is doing its job.  So I was pretty functional today.  I swept the floors and did some laundry. Other than a mild headache late in the day, I felt better than I have for a while.  I did not get any TN shocks today.  So I'm calling it a good day.

Causes
I was at a birthday party for my 90 year old Aunt last Sunday and I was talking with one of my cousins about this pain that I have been having.  She mentioned that she thinks it's primarily caused by menopause.  She told me that she suffered with extreme nerve related pain for about 6 to 7 years when she was going through menopause.  She said the pain calmed down when she was around 56/57.  I'm 52 now and am post menapausal so if this is true, I've got a few more years of this to deal with.  I have read somewhere that lowering levels of estrogen effects nerve endings and can cause acute nerve pain.  So I'm thinkin that I am probably case in point because the fibromyalgia has caused my nerves to already be overloaded with pain signals .  I was kinda happy to think that this could eventually work itself out, but then depressed to think it might be another 5 or 6 years.  I would probably loose touch with my IT career in that timeframe, but I could probably get back to teaching part-time.  For now, I'm trying not to worry too much about the future because when I do, I start feeling guilty about not working and then that just makes matters worse.

Life in General
Getting these neurological problems with my head has made me rethink my future.  Before I was always trying to prove myself to myself and others.  I always felt like I had to one-up whatever I did last.  I longed for recognition from my supervisors, co-workers, family, and friends.  Now I realize that isn't necessary.  I've always done exceptional work, I've studied hard and do well at teaching others. I'm one of the most requested professors at the University.  So I'm moving on from my my proving myself mode and moving to a new taking care of myself and counting my blessings mode.

Taking care of myself is going to benefit both myself and my family.  In order to do that, I need to learn how to cope with the pain better. These episodes of pain can drain me to the bottom of the barrel and at times, I admit, I haven't cared if my life was over, I just wanted to end the pain.  I didn't want to live if I was going to be brining my family down all the time by either complaining or externally suffering from pain.  I didn't want my little girl to see me in pain all the time.  I didn't want to miss out of outings to visit with family or friends because I'm in pain.  I didn't want to miss out on being there for my husband because the drugs have me too spacy/sleepy all the time.

This type of pain steals your joy because it escalates when you interact with others. So lately I've been hiding in my home, trying not to get too worked up, doing relaxation techniques to calm down my face at night so I can sleep, and praying it doesn't come back worse in the morning. Going to the weekly pain management rehab is important because I am learning other coping techniques there.  I'm also learning alot from the Facebook Trigeminal Neuralgia Support Group. 

I need to start looking at my life in chunks of time now vs. days.  I'm no longer pain free for a day, but I have pain free periods throughout the day.  So I do a little work each day. I rest a little each day.  I try to eat healthy foods and take my prescribed medications along with Ibuprofen.  I try to count my blessing everday and I do pray for God to intervene and take my pain away when it's more than I think I can handle. I also pray for those I love that they have blessings in there lives and that they are given the gift to deal with me. 

When, at times, I'm feeling out of control and frustrated, I keep in mind what my husband has taught me.  He says "Worry is worthless, Prayer is priceless." So I get off my pitty pot and flush it and start couning my blessings again.  Oh yeah, and occasionally I reach for the narcotic pain meds to break the cycle of pain or take me out of it for a while so I can regroup. 

So little by little I do think I'm better, but doubt that I'll ever be well. I have too many separate nervous system disorders for them all to misteriously go away.  So I'll just take the bits and pieces of peace as they come my may throughout the day.

With accepting that I'm diabled over this I ponder the question, "What's Next". This is where I try to find ways to add value to society with whatever stamina I have left on any given day.  There are endless possibilites, I just need to find the right (ones).